


Lovesick

by AchillesMonkey



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Crack, Based on a TV show, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, NSFW, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 00:21:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10546848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AchillesMonkey/pseuds/AchillesMonkey
Summary: Based on the Netflix show "Lovesick." Fitz begins to realize that his marriage with Raina is not what he wants, and then he meets a stripper...Pure crack.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [consoledacup](https://archiveofourown.org/users/consoledacup/gifts).



> consoledacup recommended the show, and then I watched the show, and then I started mentally casting the AoS characters into the show, and then this happened...
> 
> Disclaimer: Most of the dialogue/situations/etc. come from the Netflix show "Lovesick." I do not take credit for any of it.

Fitz looks out the window at the trees rushing past while they drive down the forest road. “Is it much further?” he asks Daisy, looking around her boyfriend Miles, who is squeezed in between them. “I don’t recognize anything. I haven’t been here since I was little. I _cannot believe_ my auntie left it to me. It is _such_ a beautiful cottage.”

“No signal, so no maps,” Hunter tells them from the backseat where he’s squished in with Trip and Trip’s fiancé.

“We rely on maps too much,” Miles chimes in. “We should trust our intuition.”

“Bugger!” Fitz bursts out. “I meant to call Raina! She will kill me if I don’t check in. With her bare hands.” He chuckles before anxiously muttering, “She really could do it too.”

“Why didn’t she just come with us?” Hunter asks.

“She hates the countryside,” Fitz explains. “ She says: ‘Once you live in the city, why go backwards?’”

Daisy pulls into a clearing and they get out of the car. “Erm,” Fitz says, staring at the cabin, which is basically just one wall and a fourth of a roof, covered in vines. “Well, it’s definitely smaller than I remembered.”

“Anything else different?” Hunter asks.

“We can just camp on the ground,” Trip suggests. “I think I see some tarp over there we could use.”

“Miles and I will go back into town to get supplies,” Daisy suggests.

“I’ll go too!” Fitz says. “Maybe I can get a signal to call Raina.”

Hunter and Trip begin unloading the back of the car. “Who wants some booze?” Hunter asks.

“I can’t,” Fitz tells him. “I have to keep my sperm quality up.”

“We could do mushrooms instead,” Miles comments, holding some up.

“No, thanks,” Hunter says, and walks away with the alcohol. Fitz considers the mushroom offered to him.

~*~*~*~

“What’s so important about calling your wife?” Miles asks Fitz and they and Daisy drive back into town.

“I have to check in, in case her internal temperature changes,” Fitz explains. “We’re trying for a baby.” He looks at his phone. “Oh! I had a bar. We should reverse and try to find it!”

“We’ll be in town soon,” Daisy tells him.

“No, but it was a bar! A delicious bar of signal!” He bursts into slightly hysterical laughter.

“Are you okay?” Daisy asks.

“He’s probably just hallucinating,” Miles says.

“Why would he be doing that?”

“I gave him some mushrooms.”

“Miles says they’re perfectly healthy! They won’t affect my sperm.” He keeps laughing as they drive.

“Have you done mushrooms before?” Daisy asks, concerned.

“I’m not a child! No, I haven’t done them before.”

“Here,” Miles pulls more mushrooms from his jacket pocket. “Try some.” He tries to put them in Daisy’s mouth.

“No!” Daisy cries, spitting them out. “I’m driving!” Fitz continues searching for a bar on his phone while Daisy and Miles argue. “Miles! Fuck off!” Daisy yells, and Fitz snickers.

“Oh! A bar! A bar!” He groans as it disappears. “Oh, it’s gone.”

“I thought you were cool,” Miles snipes. “Are you going to try the mushrooms or not?”

“I think I need to reconsider what I’m doing with my life,” Daisy says.

“You should become a vet!” Fitz suggests. “Or a pilot! Or a superhero!”

“Make him stop,” Miles begs.

“Why can’t I stop?” Fitz wonders.

“Because you’re high as fuck,” Daisy tells him.

“Am I? Oh shit, am I?”

“Here,” Miles tries to put more mushrooms into Daisy’s mouth, and she spits them out again. “Oh my god, Daisy. I can’t do this! Drop me off at a bus stop!”

“Are we going on a bus?” Fitz asks.

“Miles and I are breaking up,” Daisy tells him.

“What? But you two are perfect for each other!” Miles rolls his eyes as he turns on the radio and Fitz begins dancing in his seat.

~*~*~*~

Daisy drops Miles off at a bus stop and Fitz gets out to call Raina. “Raina! Hi! Yay! Strong signal! How’s your temperature?” He listens. “Sure. Sure. Sure. Okay!” He takes the phone away from his ear, but can’t make anything out. “Can you check she’s gone?” he asks Daisy.

“So, do you have to go back?” she asks, taking the phone from him.

“I forgot to ask. I can’t really go back like this, can I?” A car drives by with music blasting and Fitz begins dancing again.

“No, you really can’t,” Daisy says as she gets out of the car to put Fitz in.

They leave Miles and drive to a grocery store. “Okay, we’ll split up. Try to pick out items that we can use while camping,” Daisy instructs. She grabs a basket and heads off. The next time she sees Fitz, he’s lying inside of a freezer, staring around him in open-mouthed wonder. Daisy puts her basket down and opens the freezer door. “You’ll die if you stay in there,” she tells him.

“It’s like being in winter inside furniture,” he tells her and then gasps. “Like Narnia!”

“You’re crushing their frozen vegetables.”

“No, it’s fine. Come join me! I was burning up out there, but in here, my arse is numb and my nipples feel very nice indeed. I’m not coming on to you.”

“Okaaay,” Daisy agrees.

“No, I just realized I was talking about my arse and nip-nips, and it might have sounded like I was coming on to you, but I’m just naming parts of me that are cold.”

“You could get out of the freezer,” Daisy suggests.

“Nah,” Fitz says.

An employee comes over to them. “Could you get out of the freezer, please?” he asks Fitz. Fitz grabs a bag of frozen peas and covers his face. “I can still see you.” Fitz turns the bag over. The employee sighs. “We’ve been watching you on the CCTV. So pay for your stuff and leave before I call the police.”

Fitz lifts up the bag of peas to look at Daisy. “What do you think we should do?”

~*~*~*~

Fitz and Daisy drive back toward their camp. Fitz is staring out the window, the same open-mouthed look of wonder on his face. It quickly disappears as one of the tires blows out and a shriek leaves his mouth. Daisy pulls over and they get out of the car to look at it.

“Anything I can do to help?” Fitz asks.

Daisy gives him a look. “Fitz, is there anything you could help anyone with right now?”

Fitz thinks. “No.” He puts his hands on his hips, elbows out, and starts whistling.

“Why are you whistling?”

“I’m being nonchalant! I don’t want anyone knowing I’m high.”

Daisy looks around at the forest surrounding them. “It’s literally just us, Fitz.”

“Yeah, but the guy said they were watching us.”

“That was just at the supermarket,” Daisy tells him. “And that was only because you got into their frozen vegetables.” Fitz looks around and then takes off running. “FITZ! NO!” Daisy lets out a stream of curses, grabs their groceries from the car, and takes off after him. She enters into the forest. “FITZ!”

“Daisy!” Fitz responds, and she looks up to see him beaming down from a tree branch above her. “I’m up a tree!”

“Will you please come down?” Daisy asks.

“No! I think Raina’s stalking me!”

“What? It’s not her style to follow you, Fitz!” He shushes her, looking around nervously. “She’d just walk up to you and start shouting.”

“Hello, mates!” Hunter walks up, shovel over his shoulder.

“Help me get Fitz out of the tree!”

Before they can do anything, Fitz leans too far back and falls out. “I’m okay!” he announces, popping up. They make their way back to the campsite, walking in on Trip and his fiancé making out by the fire. “Hi, guys!” Fitz calls out, and they break apart.

“Where have you been?” Trip asks.

“I found them in the woods,” Hunter tells him.

“Where’s Miles?”

“There’s no more Miles,” Daisy says.

“Are you okay?”

“I’ll get through it.”

“Do you think it’s not a good sign that my main paranoia was bumping into my wife?” Fitz asks rhetorically.


	2. Chapter 2

Fitz is dressed in his best suit and combing his hair in the mirror. He doesn’t notice his wife enter the bedroom. “Where are you going?” Raina asks, and he jumps, whirling around to face her.

“Erm, work?” he says, his voice squeaky. He clears his throat and tries again. “Work. We have a database crisis. It’ll take all night.”

“Oh.” He breathes a sigh of relief when she leaves the room and checks his look in the mirror one last time.

He meets Daisy and Hunter at the casino and watches as Hunter loses everything on roulette and Daisy fucks up playing blackjack. They find an old friend of theirs and Fitz wanders away to try one of the games. “How do you play this one?” he asks, sitting down and handing over money for chips.

“Throw the dice, make a bet,” someone instructs, handing him two dice.

Fitz shakes up the dice, throws them, and yells out a number. The people watching clap and he’s handed more chips. “Did I win?” He’s handed the dice again. He throws them and yells out another number. The crowd cheers. Hunter comes over to stand next to him and Fitz smiles at him as he takes the chips he’s given. “I just keep rolling the dice and shouting numbers and it turns out everyone thinks I’m doing a good job of it,” he tells Hunter. “I have no idea how the game works.”

“Are those all yours?” Hunter asks, eyeing the pile of chips in front of Fitz.

“I think so,” Fitz answers. “Do you know the rules? Everyone seems to be worried about something called snake eyes.”

“Forget the rules, dude. You’re on a fucking streak!” Fitz grabs the dice and throws them, cheering with the crowd as he wins yet again.

Fitz continues throwing the dice and the crowd gets bigger and bigger. Daisy and her friend appear next to him. “Go all in for the big finish,” the friend tells him.

“All of it?”

“Do it, dude,” Hunter tells him. “Double it, or kiss it goodbye. It doesn’t get bigger than this.”

“It’s what pirates would do!” Daisy tells him and Hunter nods.

“I’m doing it!” Fitz puts all of his chips onto the table. “Everything on the next roll!” He takes the dice and shakes them in his hands before tossing them onto the table. There’s a silence as everyone collectively holds their breath. “Did I get snake face?” Fitz asks.

“Dude,” Hunter says, “you won!”

Fitz puts the money from his cashed out chips on top of the bar. “Two and a half thousand in cash,” he announces. “I can’t put it in my bank account; Raina would notice. She doesn’t know I’m here. I told her there was an issue at work. What should I do with the money?”

“You could give it to charity,” Daisy suggests.

“Or you could invest it,” Hunter offers.

Daisy’s friend slams her hand on the bar. “You guys are the worst! You’re not going to invest it, or give it to charity! This night is supposed to be about living, right? Fitz, you are going to blow that on cocaine and hookers!” Daisy, Hunter, and Fitz glance at each other anxiously. “Strippers and champagne?” she corrects. They perk up.

“Jonesy, you are like the patron saint of partying!” Daisy cries.

They make their way to a strip bar, but the bouncer stops them before they can enter. “So do we buy our drugs off you?” Jonesy asks. The bouncer glowers at them. “Curly, show him some love.”

“What, like a hug?” Fitz asks.

“With some of that sweet bankroll,” Jonesy explains.

“Oh! Do you take bribes?” Fitz asks the bouncer. He hands over a stack of notes.

The bouncer flips through it and steps aside. “Enjoy your evening.”

“How much did you give him?” Hunter asks.

“240,” Fitz says. “Was that too much?”

“Yeah, for me it was a bit too much, mate.”

“So, smaller bribes from now on?”

“Yeah, take it down a notch or two.”

They find seats and Fitz looks around in amazement, his eyes wide. “This is amazing,” he says. “It’s like a bar where all the girls have taken their clothes off.”

Hunter waves over one of the strippers. “Hi, could we get burritos for everyone, please?”

“Hey,” Daisy calls after her before she can leave. “What’s the quickest way to waste money here?”

“I don’t know,” the woman admits. “It’s my first week.”

“Well done,” Hunter compliments.

“Thanks. Erm, I guess a lot of private dances and champagne?”

“We’ll take four bottles of champagne,” Jonesy orders. “How much are dances?”

“50,” the stripper tells her. “Would you like one?”

“I’ll dance!” Fitz says. “I’d like to dance.”

“I can give you one,” the stripper offers. “You’d have to sit still though." 

“Okay,” Fitz agrees, going off to a private room with her. 

~*~*~*~

Fitz sits, watching as the stripper moves to the slow R&B music playing. She smiles at him. “I’m Jemma.”

“Fitz,” he says, holding out his hand to shake.

“Can you tell me if I’m doing this right?”

“I can’t; I’ve got nothing to compare it to.”

“They don’t exactly give you any training,” Jemma admits.

“How’d you get the job?”

“It turned up.”

“Well I think you’re doing brilliantly.”

“Thanks! They did say that by the two minute mark I should be naked. Are you timing us?”

“No, would you like me to?”

“Do you mind?”

“I can put the countdown timer on my phone,” Fitz says, pulling it out of his pocket. “It’ll buzz.”

Jemma continues dancing a bit awkwardly. “I’ll be taking off the bra in a second” she tells him.

“Oh, it’s a big moment.”

Jemma nods. “I’ve only brought people drinks, so it’s a big step forwards.”

“Well, you don’t have to,” Fitz tells her.

“I think it’s expected." 

“You could tell them I told you not to.”

“I just need to build up the momentum,” Jemma says. “Would you mind some chitchat?”

“Okay, erm, how was your day?”

“Good. Grad school was interesting.”

“What are you studying?”

“Biology and chemistry,” Jemma answers. “I want a double PhD.”

“Nice,” Fitz says. “I’ve only got one PhD.” Jemma takes her bra off and his eyes widen. “That was unexpected.”

“I thought it might be better as a surprise.”

“It worked.” Jemma comes forward and straddles his lap. “Am I allowed to have an erection? I’m sorry if I’m not; it just happened because you’re beautiful and love science.”

“This is sexy,” Jemma whispers. She puts her hands on his face and looks into his eyes. “You have really beautiful eyes.” 

~*~*~*~ 

“We weren’t having sex; we were making love!” Fitz protests as the bouncer drags him to the entrance.

“You’re not allowed to touch the girls,” the bouncer tells him. “They’re not whores.”

“How dare you!” Fitz tries to punch the bouncer, and then breaks free from his grasp when the man tries to restrain him. “Someone give Jemma my number!” he shouts as he runs around the strip club. He grabs a burrito from a plate and throws it at the bouncer. “Don’t come any closer!”

~*~*~*~ 

Fitz chews on his lip anxiously as he holds onto the bars of the holding cell. “Raina’s bound to find out, isn’t she? I’m going to end up with a conviction for criminal damage!” He sighs. “I swear, in the moment, it felt like love. Does it matter that it’s wrong?” he asks Daisy and Hunter, who sit on the bench behind him. He doesn’t wait for them to answer. “I should care. Well, I don’t! It was fantastic! What does that say about me?”

“I think it says you should talk to Raina,” Daisy suggests.

“Oh, dear,” Fitz says. “She’s going to be furious.” 

~*~*~*~

Three months later, Fitz is in a bar full of friends. He’s standing with Trip and Trip’s fiancé when Hunter comes over and hugs him. “Hey! Fitz! The man of the hour!” he cries.

Fitz holds up his divorce papers. “Here it is! Proof that I destroyed my marriage! Because of the infidelity.”

“Congratulations,” Hunter tells him, clapping him on the back. “I think you’ll be a lot happier, mate.”

“You don’t think I’m damaged goods?”

“No, you are. We all are.”

“I wonder if I look back on today, if it’s the moment that my life got better or much worse. I wish I knew which way it was gonna go, and then I’d know how to feel about it.”

“We got this for you,” Trip tells him, handing over a cigar. “Don’t smoke it all at once.”

“Well, it’s a party,” Fitz comments. “Maybe I’ll meet someone.”

He wanders off to mingle, but stops short when he spots a familiar face in the crowd. “Jemma! You found me! Or are you here for someone else?”

“No, no, I’ve been looking for you for ages,” she reassures him.

“Oh! I’m so happy!” Fitz pulls her into a hug. “I was beginning to think you were some wonderful, drunk dream. I’ve thought about you every day for three months!” He spots a waitress pass with a tray of empty glasses. “Oh, can I get you a drink?”

“Can’t,” Jemma tells him. “Pregnant.”

“Oh! Wow. Congratulations! How far along are you?”

“About three months,” Jemma says.

“Sorry? Three—three months?”

Jemma nods and smiles at him. “It’s yours!”

“Oh my god,” Fitz mutters as shock takes over, only to give way to joy. “Yes!”

“Really?”

Fitz nods. “Yes!” He jumps up on the nearest table. “Everybody! I’ve got an announcement to make!” he calls out, and the crowd turns to look at him. “I thought I’d say a few words this evening, but I didn’t think they’d be these words.” He laughs nervously, and holds out his hand to help Jemma stand on a chair beside him. “This is Jemma. We met at a strip club. Afterwards, they threw me out, but I went back the next day, but they threatened to break my nose.”

“And then they fired me,” Jemma steps in, “and I’ve been looking for Fitz ever since. He just happened to appear in a photo on my Instagram feed, #DivorceParty, so I came straight over.”

“We’re having a baby!” Fitz announces proudly. The crowd murmurs in surprise before breaking into cheers. Fitz and Jemma get down and Trip, Hunter, and Daisy come over to them.

“Dude, what?” Hunter cries, pulling him into a hug.

“Good for you, man,” Trip says, holding out a fist. Fitz bumps his own against it.

“I know what I did with Jemma was technically a mistake, because I was married to Raina,” Fitz tells them, “but I think the real mistake was marrying Raina in the first place. I didn’t love her, but now I know what true love is.”

Daisy takes a deep breath. “Trip,” she says to him. “We should go talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm unlessimwrongwhichyouknowimnot on Tumblr.


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